Vacation

We passed another milestone this weekend.  We had our anniversary weekend.  It was so enjoyable.  The piece that gets complicated with our adventures in domination is how far does this translate into our lives?  Alpha has said multiple times that this has saved our marriage.  I have asked him before, what does he love about this adventure?  I’m more confident, his sex drive is skyrocketed and playing with cucks.  Sounds like a win for us.

I am an over thinker.  In my mind I am thinking that does it mean we are not going to be able to come back from this? Does it mean that we cannot exist without this?  I don’t know.  He says we can.  The other piece to this is even playing online can get old.  How do we constantly keep this going? How do we continue to reinvent ourselves?

This vacation we had lots of online fun, but never crossed into the cam sessions.  If I could get anyone to pay for something, that would be a little better.  We did enjoy a new couple just getting into cuckold.  He loved that.  We then had a great time at the strip club.  I did find out how you get swindled into two dances.  Oh well.  It was alot of fun.  Now as we continue into the next chapter.  We’ll see how we can get back into the real world.  The question will be when does this chapter end?  I do know that I want to get alot skinnier.  Maybe that will help to even make the more confidence.  All I know is I will fight for every inch of our marriage.  It isn’t just one person fighting to stay together.

What I eventually want to know is what we were missing to begin with.  I have never not wanted him.  I have never not been willing to tell him what to do.  I have noticed a shift.  As we play more with subs together, I’m not sure where we are at anymore  I get alot of LOLs, and kind of pushing the question off.  This scares me.  This is how we started down a path of paying others to do my job and me not realizing I was missing anything.  I took each time his dick wasn’t staying hard fucking me as my fault for being fat, or not in shape.  Now, I still continue to fear that it means I am not the one for him.  I will never forget sucking him one morning and making him cum.  He looked so relieved.  What I know now is he had been deep into paying people at that point.  Was the relief because I could still make him cum?  Or was it really that he hadn’t been able to get hard?  But all that was with me and if you pay someone to abuse you, doesn’t that mean they were making you hard?  That is my fear.  It is not the fear that he will ever “cheat” again.  It is the fear that I will miss something and he will seek from others instead of just be open and tell me what is going on.  It is the fear that I don’t do it for him.  We had that stumble this weekend and it broke my heart.  I saw his eyes and lust with the stripper.  I know he tried to be with me after that and still had those same issues with being excited for me.  I trust him.  I just don’t trust my ability to see when something goes wrong.  I don’t trust that I will ever be enough for him.  That when the kids are gone and he can be himself, he will want to be that slut for some female.  I have continued to try this, but I can tell he is not really into what I am selling.  I can’t treat him like dirt.  That will switch our roles in a way that I can’t ever undo not in real life or in fake.  Once I cross that line in that deep of a move, I will not be able to go back.

I said I would be honest in this blog.  It is not just a place to go about talking exploits.  It is a place for me to vent and hopefully find the answers to questions or think about if it is all worth it.

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