Blame

Blame is the easiest and hardest part of any argument.  It is easy to place the blame of a bad session on a sub.  It is easy to blame arguments on the other person.  It is easier to just take the blame for things to calm down.  The hard blame is resolving the issue without assigning blame.  It is blaming yourself for your part of the situation.

A Mistress must be able to see how she is not completely blameless in a session.  If your instructions aren’t clear then how can the sub do their task.  If you didn’t understand their limits and kinks and were too proud to ask then that may be your fault.  I know this.

Sometimes it is your fault too on a big argument.  You didn’t try hard enough to be there for that person.  You got wrapped up into your own thing and didn’t try to listen to their needs.  It would be easier if they vocalized them, but that is not what this is about.  You don’t see the signs that they are not happy.

My timing is always off, except when I am putting a sub thru their paces.  I over analyze which can be a great Mistress thing, but it not necessarily a great SO thing.  I also can’t let stuff go until I have answers.  That is a great SO, Mistress, everything quirk.  It is not a great quirk when you are trying to work through stuff.

These are my quirks. I take the blame.

Conflict

There are times I really enjoy the domme community. Then there are nights like tonight. It has a lot to do with my last post. So I am already sensitive. I don’t understand why goddesses believe they must ruin marriages. To go so far as comparing how they get the finer stuff and the wife gets the crap. Been there.

I don’t know what the draw is to show up something someone else is putting their life into. I guess the draw is that he is such a shit, might as well take his money. It just eats at me seeing as I have lived this. As I said before, the incident makes you spiral until you figure out how it got this screwed up.

Don’t be that goddess. If that is the only way to get money, then I do hope karma will eventually get you. Just like I hope karma will eventually reward our life.

Moving on from Betrayal

I got asked one time why I blog, especially  since it seems to be intermittent. This is where I can release thoughts. I hope that maybe it will help someone else. The pain can be real, almost too much to wake up to every day, but it gets better until the next surprise.

I may be a Mistress, but I truly believe in monogamy. I would never do anything without my partner’s 100% approval. If he was to say that this is over right now, done. If he even hinted that these actions were making him uncomfortable I wouldn’t hesitate. The only way this works is through honesty. The following applies to my opinions of monogamy in dating and marriage. I believe paying a Mistress to be their sub is cheating. I believe sending gift cards of money saying your sorry in the message line is cheating. Especially if you don’t do that with your spouse because you are never wrong. I believe not being honest doesn’t give the spouse any chance to go along with the fantasy. You wanted to leave them out until caught. I believe that if you are so desperate to pay people to humiliate you, but can’t share your money it is cheating. I believe when you cum from another person without your spouse present or even knowing, you have cheated. Notice all of this has to do with honesty. Most spouses are willing to explore with you. If they aren’t then you need to decide which is more important. I would rather be told that my partner can’t live without something and even the participation is not enough. That they still need the other so I can make an informed decision. I won’t say what that would be.

The problem with betrayal is that the whole story is never told. If the betrayed is pissed and the betrayer is backed in a corner, then the whole story never comes out. Hey, I started feeling this way back….. I then acted on it because…. I couldn’t stop because I didn’t  respect you at the time and told myself that this was not cheating because I still came home and we fucked occasionally. Even though you were sleeping in the same room this happened and you were trying to do a lot, I didn’t care and needed this. Even though you have NEVER turned me down to fuck and are insatiable. You can still be a bitch and that made it ok. Or whatever lies they tell themselves.

The betrayed never knows what to fix. Which is ironic because the betrayed did nothing wrong. Nothing that could bot have been fixed with the truth. What makes now different then the past? Is it because of the addition of outside subs? What if I get done with that? Will you not want it? If paying is it, why do I have to ask for taxes? I have seen many a payment 2 or 3 or more times in one day? Then the spiral. The problem is the betrayed always thinks it was their fault. It wasn’t, but if they try to stick it out without the full disclosure by the betrayer it will always be a slowly healing wound. And if the betrayed truly loves the betrayer, they will not only drive themselves crazy trying to be everything but trying to figure out how to prevent a relapse. The truth will never be known and one of two things will happen; it will fix itself or the times apart will never be ok because they will always be expecting a shoe to drop.

As you come across this blog, here is the moral to my story. If you truly love someone, tell them everything. Don’t hide it and cheat or break their trust. Coming back from betrayal is a longer process then anyone thinks. It would be great if it was just a quick rip of bandaid but not being completely honest and following the advice listed makes it a slow healing wound.  So tell them. I like this fetish. I fucked up and here is how I got into, here is what happened and how long it went on, I do or do not think I can be faithful in the future. I do or do not think your participation will continue to keep me out of this fetish. The other person has a responsibility too. This makes me feel ….. I can or cannot participate, condone, or understand. I can or cannot be with you.  The best way is to be upfront the second you feel moving in a non trustworthy direction. If you were truly not wanting to hurt their feelings and stay with them then you would and will never do it.  You have to be patient with the betrayed. If you don’t follow the advice above, then there will be little things that always come to light, like how much was actually spent and how it was during important parts of your life, like the day before and right after and on your anniversary or SO’s birthday. Which hurts even more because that betrayal took more effort than what you spent on the celebration of your lives together.

Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is the knife slowly coming out of your heart. It takes lots of time, which can be shortened by 100% honesty.

 

What we do for subs

My alpha has made it a little clear that he is feeling his sub side.  The issue is that I don’t feel comfortable with him finding his own Alpha.  Especially since he only manages to find findom Alphas and Mistresses.  I don’t want this to be someone that he plays with all the time.  I don’t even like dominant males.  They get this slapping the clit and titties thing going because they only know that move.  Very unimaginative.  What they can do is make my love change into a cock exploding sub bitch.

The little taste that he got of it last night was obviously exciting.  He wanted me to cam just so that he could be shown that he was a little bitch sub.  I think now, I probably should have.  Everything was dark.  I didn’t take the hint and feel bad.  I am hoping that we can try again so that he can play.  I want him to be loud and vocal. “Hey, I want this.  I really need it.”

I just don’t want us to pay for it.  I don’t want this to be a thing that takes over his life again like the Mistresses.  I just want something to play a little bit and then put it back in its hole.  Literally and figuratively.

We’ll see what happens.  Any feedback is always welcome.

Chastity Sub

He is so eager to please.  He begs Alpha to get to talk, but he is also ecstatic when Alpha treats him roughly.  He quickly talks about his chastity device.  He loves the feel.  He loves the tight trap around his cock.  But it isn’t tight.  His cock is so tiny that he cant fit it all into the cage.  It is so funny to see.  If it wasn’t locked in then the cage would fall off.  I can barely stop laughing.  So glad this is online.

He is gushing.  His cock is tiny and hard.  He is barely containing himself as he begs to show me his tiny member.  Unbeknownst to him it is the second time I have seen it.  It still makes me laugh.  This is what he wants.  The sub wants my laughter.  To feel inadequate.  It makes my job so much more fun.  His tiny cock is only about 3.5 inches  I am on the bed laughing so hard.  His push to make the cock so big and feign sadness is too much.  He is begging for more.  He is so pitiful.

This sub is out in public.  Alpha tells him to get into his sissy panties and bra.  He does so quickly.  Everything requires pictures.  Alpha has taught him to do the 10 second edge.  It is one of his favorite tasks for a sub.  For 10 seconds the sub strokes as fast as he can.  The fun is that the sub can barely contain himself after 4 or 5 times.  For newbies, it is like 2 or 3 times and their little cocks explode.

He is constantly edging.  Hurrying back to bathrooms to play with the tiny cock.  The next times are with the cage on.  That is so much fun.  He can’t make it.  He teases himself without you having to do anything.  It’s like fingering yourself trying to be quiet.  You just can’t get the itch scratched.  He is begging again.  Next time he begs on his knees at all times.  Begging on knees face in ground like a sub should stay.

He has to leave for a public event.  Everything has to come off.  Soon the sub will beg to stay in it.  He will want to please me.  He will do it.  I enjoy that power.  I enjoy taking them to the edge willingly.  I enjoy their trust that I will push them to the edge. They will be hornier and more submissive for it.  It is in their blood.

Next, I want a cuckold couple.  Both need to be submissive.  Both begging to be used and worship myself and Alpha.  Both sending picture after picture for the pure enjoyment of their dominates.  They in turn are wet and hard all day every day waiting for us to help their sex life or think about us as they enhance it by themselves.

Have a great domme/submissive day.

More things to try

It is a quiet afternoon and Kitten is bored.  She hits up on Kik.  She has had multiple slutty opportunities over the weekend.  As much as she hates to share pics, she has no problem sharing her body with a lot of fun people.  It always amazes me how much people are willing to do in real life and not online.  It is also vice versa.  Me, I’ve never had the opportunity to try.  I have the married/resting bitch face.  I’m pretty sure it is more the resting bitch face.  No one ever wants to come up and say hi.  But maybe it’s just cause I am not that cute.  Anyway…

She sends a picture of a submissive female tied up.  Two of them.  It gets me thinking and to playing with her.  This was supposed to build to an awesome night while on vacation, but we managed to find another way to have fun.  This is the build up.

She texts that she is horny.  I get to talking to her.  I want to tie her up so much.  We have already played where Alpha doesn’t get to touch until the very end.  He was kind enough to remember to only cum in me.  I talk to her about her pictures.  One is an intricate line of knots up the back with the hands tied together.  It would be nearly impossible to quickly get her out.  The second is with the her tits tied tight, then ropes through her pussy and around her neck.  She has bought a collar with an S for slut in our last play with the mall.  She is so wet and enjoying this.

She sits at work and is dripping with each word I type.  I tie her up and stroke her hair, like an affectionate Mistress.  I whisper that she is about to give everything to me.  Her body will be mine as I tap through each nerve and lust.  I tweak her nipple rings.  She is screaming.  She can’t believe the pain and lust transferring through her body.

I smack her ass hard.  Over and over.  Each time she thanks me each and every stroke.  Alpha is sitting back in his chair.  He is stroking his cock.  As much as he loves to give pain, he is not the biggest on the rough hard stuff.  I tweak her nipples.  Squeezing and twisting.  She is tearing up, but her pussy gives her away.  It is dripping with cum.  Leaking everywhere.  Her thighs are glistening.  I turn her as I smack her.  I smack her tits.  She begs for more and asks for relief.  Alpha’s cock is throbbing.  It is leaking precum.  I walk over and take a finger cleaning it up.  I shove two fingers down her throat.  She licks it like the best thing ever.

“What do you say, Slut?”  “Thank you Alpha, Thank you for your luscious precum.”  “Please, Please let me suck his cock, please let him fuck my pussy, your pussy.”  I smack her again.  More of the same, smack, twist, thanks, tickles, tugs.  Her sensors are on overdrive.  She doesn’t know left from right.  Every few minutes, she is given a rest as I walk over to Alpha’s cock and get his precum.  She knows that as it is going in her mouth what will come next.  She wants the whole experience along with the reward.  She begs again.  It is like a cycle that the little slut can’t break.

Alpha asks to fuck her.  We take her down and start to untie everything.  She knows what is coming next.  She can’t wait.  She gets on her knees.  Begging for his cock.  Begging to be taken like a slut.  Alpha throws her on the bed like a rag doll.  He puts her legs in the air.  She is begging for his cock.  I sit on her face.  Smothering her as she licks for every breath.  He stuffs that pussy full.  He slams her over and over.  She is making me cum on her face.  He gets on the bed.  I ride his hard cock as he eats her.  She begs for him to cum in her, but he says no.  She barely understands what is going on as he has found what she needed.  She is cumming on his face as he cums in me.  There is screaming everywhere as we are all cumming at once.  We end up in a heap.  All huddling and stroking.

She leaves and it is him and I.  How do we continue?  It will be interesting to find out.

Mistress

Vacation

We passed another milestone this weekend.  We had our anniversary weekend.  It was so enjoyable.  The piece that gets complicated with our adventures in domination is how far does this translate into our lives?  Alpha has said multiple times that this has saved our marriage.  I have asked him before, what does he love about this adventure?  I’m more confident, his sex drive is skyrocketed and playing with cucks.  Sounds like a win for us.

I am an over thinker.  In my mind I am thinking that does it mean we are not going to be able to come back from this? Does it mean that we cannot exist without this?  I don’t know.  He says we can.  The other piece to this is even playing online can get old.  How do we constantly keep this going? How do we continue to reinvent ourselves?

This vacation we had lots of online fun, but never crossed into the cam sessions.  If I could get anyone to pay for something, that would be a little better.  We did enjoy a new couple just getting into cuckold.  He loved that.  We then had a great time at the strip club.  I did find out how you get swindled into two dances.  Oh well.  It was alot of fun.  Now as we continue into the next chapter.  We’ll see how we can get back into the real world.  The question will be when does this chapter end?  I do know that I want to get alot skinnier.  Maybe that will help to even make the more confidence.  All I know is I will fight for every inch of our marriage.  It isn’t just one person fighting to stay together.

What I eventually want to know is what we were missing to begin with.  I have never not wanted him.  I have never not been willing to tell him what to do.  I have noticed a shift.  As we play more with subs together, I’m not sure where we are at anymore  I get alot of LOLs, and kind of pushing the question off.  This scares me.  This is how we started down a path of paying others to do my job and me not realizing I was missing anything.  I took each time his dick wasn’t staying hard fucking me as my fault for being fat, or not in shape.  Now, I still continue to fear that it means I am not the one for him.  I will never forget sucking him one morning and making him cum.  He looked so relieved.  What I know now is he had been deep into paying people at that point.  Was the relief because I could still make him cum?  Or was it really that he hadn’t been able to get hard?  But all that was with me and if you pay someone to abuse you, doesn’t that mean they were making you hard?  That is my fear.  It is not the fear that he will ever “cheat” again.  It is the fear that I will miss something and he will seek from others instead of just be open and tell me what is going on.  It is the fear that I don’t do it for him.  We had that stumble this weekend and it broke my heart.  I saw his eyes and lust with the stripper.  I know he tried to be with me after that and still had those same issues with being excited for me.  I trust him.  I just don’t trust my ability to see when something goes wrong.  I don’t trust that I will ever be enough for him.  That when the kids are gone and he can be himself, he will want to be that slut for some female.  I have continued to try this, but I can tell he is not really into what I am selling.  I can’t treat him like dirt.  That will switch our roles in a way that I can’t ever undo not in real life or in fake.  Once I cross that line in that deep of a move, I will not be able to go back.

I said I would be honest in this blog.  It is not just a place to go about talking exploits.  It is a place for me to vent and hopefully find the answers to questions or think about if it is all worth it.